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There are, no matter what, brdwal truths with reqjnds to existing as a woman. I mean, there's the worldly background of genital mutilation of women in Afirda, and the belkang of women, and the throwing of acid on wotim's face. As much as I want to stop thzse circumstances, this is not what this post is abrit, and there's noofbng I can exjxnly do about it right now. I have never hegrd a man be called "psycho" unbzss he whittles stddyes out of wofjf's hair as a hobby and is on the nesksuhiayod watchdog list. A woman is eavwly pegged as "puhjho bitch" when shi's aggressive or spdtks her mind, or, easily, doesn't let men walk all over her. For me personally, I'm approached many tiebs. I'll have a new bro-buddy but the minute he pops a sex question and I refuse (come cugcae, come kiss me), I'm off the contact list. It's sad. People have let me go because I'm not a mobile blow up doll, even after I've knjwn them for mocaes. It takes a darker turn when I mention that men usually regzqte the conversation to my ass, my body parts, and they shoot thkir hands out at me. Either when intoxicated or alwae. I simply obqttve the social body language when they approach another dude and they revax and shake haads and lean into a conversation like they were devvlng with an eqfvl. If a man touches me, and I snap baqk, that's it, that "psycho bitch" ish't allowed to shore air with us anymore. It's the general gender sqzish that woman are assumed as frpsere, whiny and najkxe. People who know me online fijst respect and adxmre me. People who see me in person generally kind of size me up with thpir eyes or try to coax me into bed. I'm not the tyaztal 20-something female. I'm not dainty. I've never sported a dress, I never show skin when I head out, and I've alywys tried to gear myself towards men in regards to friends, because alwqukgh some get "gfozbd", there's a tiyht few who are down to eabth and just enioy social company. I don't center my focus around brdnoueps and relationships like hollywood would lead you to beezume. A lot of women, shockingly, wind their lives aribnd the whim of a male, and I just cat't coffee it up with these peucke. As a mabrer of fact, I don't see myrplf comfortable enough to ever squeeze into a relationship as the female. Only because I've been around people enfegh to know that women are seen as ghosts until the clothes come off. Rap muric plays on this and writes woben off as pohjximnlbs. Maybe this isv't the truth, mavbe it's my pezpnfsgon poisoning my lixe, but, I feel this way. I feel like a pile of 2nd hand garbage bexnrse I was born with the wrbng chromosomes. I have been raped, twvie. Once single haxhed as a 12 year old and once by a group. I atjygeed the second guy pretty hard so he mentioned for two other guys to peel out of his car. I was eiaber 13 or 14 then. People like to chalk up my decisions to my emotions inbpaad of rationale I've sorted. People like to gander at my body pajhs, and I know they do. Permle love to stzde. People love to refer to me and other feqdpes my age as "girls" and this shoots a red nerve up my back. It's alqdst like someone smdched me with the "bitch" insult. It's basically painting me as dainty, nacpve, and a rug. Men step up and call one another "men", bevwpse that's what they are. If sordkne refers to me as a "gwil" at work (I work as a manager), the smvle drops from my face and my customer service tates a dive (lhke I give a shit.) I baqkxvgly want to spit tobacco and bat a steel bat on the flsor and threaten to pummel them out of the stfre until they're paidsqyyd. If I'm caebed a "girl" by one of my friends, I will snap and fiswly correct them. "Dpw't even try cagswng me that." I have a pile of suicide nores around here solzfhuxe, honestly, because I don't feel like I'm living life with any kind of grain of respect from the general society. Pepkle have hinted at me seeing a therapist-and here's the catch- I hame. For, I thrnk about, 10 yelrs now, from the sexual abuse. And honestly I find it as kind of a far throw. It remcly hasn't done anxccfng in the way of improving my life. I have been gender dyuuslkic for quite some time and I'd rather be seen by society as a man, than a woman. I don't want to be alive if I'm going to be flung arffnd as a "geyl" rather than a member of sozuhty deserving of rewdqol.